3-7: Branch Closing

Jim:
"Dwight, at 8 am today someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight."

Michael Scott:
"It is an outrage, that's all... it's... they are making a huge, huge mistake. Let's see Josh replace these people. Let's see Josh find another Stanley. Do you think Stanleys grow on trees? Well, they don't. there is no Stanley tree. Do you think the world is crawling with Phyliss's? Show me that farm, with Phyliss's and Kevin's sprouting up all over the place, ripe for the plucking. Show me that farm."

Dwight Schrute:

"When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods... like a book. and right now the title of Michael's book is: 'Something Weird is Going On'... Colon... What did Jan Say?...The Michael Scott Story... By Michaels Scott, with Dwight Schrute."


"You can learn a great deal about a man from his trash. Case in point: Satellite TV bill. Hmph... Lesson learned? He's rich. hmmm, Coffee grounds. Was he enjoying a delicious hot beverage?... OR disguising the scent of cocaine from drug-sniffing dogs... it's a nice house."

3-4: Grief Counseling

"A few years ago my family was on safari in Africa, and my cousin, Mufasa, was um... he was trampled to death by a pack of wildabeasts... and, um, we all took it really hard; all of us kind of in the audience...of what happened."
~"do you wanna talk about it anymore?"
"Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story."
-Ryan Howard, with Michael Scott

3-1: Gay Witch Hunt

"Jim is gone, he's gone, I miss him so much. Oh, I cry myself to sleep, Jim... False. I do not miss him."
-Dwight Schrute

"You don't, you don't call retarded people 'retards.' It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend."
-Michael Scott

"No, that is the fun of this place! I call everybody 'faggy.' why would anyone find that offensive?"
-Michael Scott

"Can you tell who's gay and who's not?"
"Of course."
"What about Oscar?"
"Absolutely not--"
"Well, he is."
"Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes...so..."

3-3: The Coup

"How would a movie increase productivity, Michael? How on earth would it do that?"
"People work faster after."
"Magically..."
"No. They have to... to make up for the time they lost... watching a movie..."

"Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."
-Dwight Schrute

"Pull over at Exit 40. There is a Liz Claiborne outlet. I know you like that store. Go inside and shop until I can meet you."
"How do you know I like that store?"
"Many of your blouses are Claiborne's."
"How do you know that?"
"It's part of my job."
"No, it's not. It's officially not."
"Noted."

"Are you playing for the other team? Saboteur! Saboteur! I'm gonna kill you for real. This game, the game is over, I'm really going to
shoot you."
-Andy (Ed Helms)

"Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like... a monkey... that stabs a tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch...pun... There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger's head. We don't have the technology."
-Michael Scott

"'Hug it out, bitch.' That is what men say to each other after a fight. They hug it out, and in doing so, they just let it go... and walk away... and they're done........ Not a good idea to say that to a woman, however, I have found. It doesn't translate."
-Michael Scott

2-4: The Fire

"Michael and I have a very special connection. He's like Batman, I'm like Robin. He's like the Lone Ranger, and I'm like Tonto. And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger, Tonto... and Bonto."
-Dwight Schrute


"Question: Is there firewood on the island?"
"I guess."
"Then I would bring an axe, no books."
"No, it has to be a book, Dwight."
"Fine. Physician's Desk Reference."
"Nice. Smart."
"...Hollowed out. Inside: waterproof matches, iodine tablets... beet seeds, protein bars, NASA blanket, and... in case I get bored... Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. No, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Question: Did my shoes come off in the plane crash?"

2-3: Office Olympics

"I have been Michael's number 2 guy for about 5 years, and we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams; he's like Mozart, and I'm like... Mozart's friend. No, I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like... Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart? You're gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy."
-Dwight Schrute

3-8: The Merger

THE ARGUMENT Between Andy Bernard and Dwight Schrute:
- "I saw your Dork-mobile in the parking lot, what does it get, like four miles to the gallon?"
- "Uh, try double that... classic Trans Am, vintage American muscle, please..."
-"hmm, K. My Xterra's pretty sweet. Luxurious, yet rugged. Leave it to the Japanese."
-"Xterra's not even a real word."
-"Actually, it is. It's Latin for 'earth.'''
-"Oh, so you drive an 'X-earth.' That makes sense. I'd rather drive a classic Trans Am than an 'X-earth.'''
-"Yeah, I bet you would. Oh, uh, by the way, 1985 called, it wants its car back."
-"Well, I hope 1985 has a time machine, cuz I drive an '87."
-"Oh, speaking of time machines, I just got back from the future, and I went to your funeral, and guess what? Nobody came."
-"Speaking of funerals, why dont you go ahead and go die."
-"Oh, that was a really well constructed sentence. You should be an English professor at Cor-NOT University."
-"Idiot."
-"If I were an idiot, I'd be driving a Trans Am."
-"If you were driving a Trans Am, you would be the smartest idiot in the whole world."